Simply put, traditional relationships don’t work for me.
Yesterday, I told Director about my feelings for him. His reply was that he already knew because I’ve told him so many times expecting him to come up with a sweet answer that he can’t give me. He mentioned I can’t have feelings for him because he had purposely been an asshole and that I am simply looking for fill a gap so to speak because of the baggage I was previously carrying (a five-year relationship with a guy who shows me no affection). I told him I felt that we should stop talking because I needed my time away but I didn’t think I would ever talk to him again. He said it was fine with him but he didn’t want that. He wanted to remain friends. Which probably just means that he wants to keep fucking. He said he wanted to help me grow and that I shouldn’t run away from things when they get hard.
Well, it’s not about running away. He was being an asshole to keep me at a distance, but sweet enough to keep me wanting him. He wooed me and charmed me, slept with me and then denied everything. I think it’s enough to dislike someone and avoid their company altogether. I’ve mentioned it before, if this relationship doesn’t give me any financial or emotional gain, then I’m better off without it. It’s a waste of my time.
The funniest thing is, his friend who had called me up previously, wants to have sex with me. I had told Director about the previous call when it happened, and he had been very jealous. His friend happens to be very hot and I can’t deny that, if Director had not been “in the way”, I would have had sex with this guy sooner. But he’s not in the way!
I sent a message to Director stating a few things: If we’re going to still see each other and have sex, he can’t make any claims of get jealous of other people, he can’t demonstrate any affection in public (at least among people we know) and he can’t hold it against me if I have sex with other people. A few hours later, I saw his reply:
Same with you.
I guess I’m out of the woods about wanting to fuck his friend.
I will finish editing this film.
I will graduate this semester.
I will get a job.
I will buy myself a Canon 60D.
I will write more scripts and direct more short films.
When I first talked to Director on the phone, I thought I was talking to someone who had made it in the local film industry. While he does have a movie out and has worked in some mayor productions with some very important people, he has not made a name for himself. Instead, he lives in his father’s house — although practically alone — and suffers from severe depression. What I thought would be a possible mentor, is in reality someone who doesn’t have things figured out any more than I do. Sure, he’s talented and very well acquainted with the local film industry, but knowledge and connections don’t equate success.
I first called him up because I needed help with my short film, I stayed over at his house the first day we met in person because of the immediate attraction and I kept coming back because of the great sex. If there’s some thing I like about him, it’s his sexual openness and experience, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m selling myself too short and I’m just too insecure to see it.
His indecisiveness annoys the hell out of me. He insists he wants a friends with benefits type of relationship, but he guards me as if I were something more and if anyone else demonstrates any kind of interest in me, he becomes jealous. I don’t want to get into any relationships unless they benefit me personally and the only way I saw that happening was if it were a Dom/sub relationship because I’ve always wanted the experience. I’ve never been open enough with anybody else to have that sort of relationship, but — even though we both agreed that we wanted it — he backed out.
Although sex with him is interesting, for a relationship that doesn’t give me any financial gain — and more emotional drain than gain — it’s something that takes up way too much of my time.